still you

You never noticed. I guess you never will. I love you, Tim--- I love you so much that it hurts.

---------

I find myself running towards you again. I remember that I told myself that I'll never choose you over someone or something again. I tried not to pick up your calls but still, I ended up holding my phone to my ears with a grip so hard as if it would help you ease the pain you're in.

"You...came. I don't... I don't know what to do. She... She told me... She wanted to end this," you said in-between your sobs. It's not the first time I saw you crying but this time is different. You're really hurt. A man like you, crying as if your world has shattered, you must be broken. "I'm happy for you. No--- I mean, at least you won't deal with her anymore. No more everyday fights. You won't spend a day thinking why she suddenly became mad. It's good... I guess," I said as I sit beside you. You looked up, probably, stopping more tears from flowing. "R-right. She's annoying, she's unpredictable, and she's a little bit crazy but I love that about her. I love everything about her," you looked me in the eye. "You know how much I deeply love her--- all of her crazy." I know. I clearly understand what you feel. You felt like you just lost your life. "But she wants to end what you have. You love her but... does she love you the same way?" I asked you which made you stare at me. Many things run through your mind right now. She cheated on you once. She lied to you about her ex-boyfriend. She is always angry over petty reasons. Though she did all of these countless times, you forgave her. "She's just angry. She said that out of anger. We just need to talk this over. She just needs space. It's my fault, too. I chose work over her while she chose me everytime," you said, still teary-eyed. But I always and will always choose you, too. Yet, you never cried about me for leaving you or even if we have a fight. Maybe, you know that I can't bear to see you lonely and I easily surrender to your puppy eyes. I patted your shoulders. Then, I rubbed your back. I know how much you need comfort. Maybe I am not the "comfort" you need but I can give that comfort. "Yeah. Both of you should talk over this. If she insist, act like nothing happened. Don't be such a mess. She's your world but she's just a girl. There are a lot of her in this world. You'll find another," a piece of advice from me. I hope she insists and I hope you'll find me. Pretty selfish but I don't want to see you like this, not for another time. "But she's... You know it. I really---" "You love her, I know. But she's not worth your cries. If she acted like that, she don't deserve you," I added. She don't deserve someone as precious as you. "No. You don't understand me. She's the only one for me," you sighed. "I'm still here. I'm here to help you. Remember when we were kids, we're so happy with each other's company. Can't we be like the old times?" I said, looking at your bright green eyes. You avoided my gaze. "But we aren't kids anymore. Thanks, though. You're always here for me and with me," a little curve formed in your lips and so do I. "You're the sister I never had. Thanks for being my bestfriend, Mia" why do you have to add that? But this is not the right time to be sad, too. "I'll always be this bestfriend, Tim," I smiled weakly. I promise to be this bestfriend to you. "And I--- I---," should I say it? Stop. Of course not. You gave me a puzzled look. "You?" you asked. "I need to go home. I believe you're already fine. Don't cry anymore. It doesn't suit you. You look awful," I patted his head as I stand up. Shit. My homework--- I left my chemistry homework at home. "But you live next door," you look as if you don't want me to go home. "You need your space." I smiled. Seems like you understand and we said our goodbyes, at least for now. We'll surely see each other at school.

---

I went straight to your home from school. I hope you're okay now. And you are. I saw her wrapping her arms around you. "Tim---," you stood up. "Oh, Mia. We've already talked about what happened. We're okay now. I told you she's just angry. I'm glad I'm still having this chance. I really love her. She's my world. She's my life. She's my everythi---". "Good to know. Also glad you're happy," I said. I turned to the door and went to my bedroom. I found myself lying on my bed--- crying. "Such an idiot, Mia. Of course he'll choose her. Can't you still understand? You're nothing but a bestfriend--- the sister he never had," I whispered to myself. "I promise," I wiped my tears. "I'll never run towards you again. You can cry all you want but I won't go to you. I won't choose you over anything. I broke too much of my principle for you," I made a useless promise knowing that I'll still run towards you with just a single call.

You never noticed. I guess you never will. I love you, Tim--- I love you so much that it hurts.

170504/11:06pm

#spilledink #aesthete #love #friends #pourmyheartout