Save Myself

Life's supposed to be good and I'm doing everything I can to go on. I thought, maybe I was born in the wrong time. I can't keep up with all the mess I am right now. I don't know how to live anymore. I became most afraid when I no longer feel anything. All seems nothing for me. I knew life would work for me. It will always be cruel. It will always be sad. It will always go wrong--- no matter what.

I still think I can live my life--- I just have to live, right? I just need to be happy and all. But why can't I do that? I don't know what to do to say that I'm living. I feel like quitting school (i'm actually thinking hard about it) and cutting off myself from everyone else. I know I need to be alone for awhile. I'm tired telling myself, "Another day. Just go on another day." "It will be okay. It will." "Get up. You need to get up. Your mom will be angry." Imagine how hard it is for me to force myself to get up every morning. I just want to lay down in the bed and cry all day.

I may look tough on the outside but I'm really a little, soft marshmallow. I'm way too sensitive about everything. I tend to overthink a lot of things. I notice even a very little change in the way someone talks or interacts with me. I notice everything and it's bothering me. It keeps me up late at night. I never told anyone how much I wanted to close my eyes and let the darkness eat me. I need everything to stop. I need to stop myself from crying anytime and anywhere (even in school while we're in the middle of a discussion).

I'm tired of keeping up with people everywhere. I'm tired of understanding the people who doesn't bother to understand me. I'm tired of loving and trusting people who won't do the same for me. It's so sad. I don't want to talk about anything to anyone anymore. I just want to be alone in a faraway place where no one can find me. I'm too shattered to keep up and smile. I can't lie to myself about how I really feel. I want to disappear and come back after fixing myself. Little by little, I'm admitting what made me like this. Maybe, I just need more time. I'll find my way soon. I'll be back to my old self (how i wish i won't start harming myself).

I'll continue saving myself--- it's the only way.

#helpmyself